what day is it and did you see me today?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
