I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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