fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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