Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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