don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
