I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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