smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
