Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I cockslap morals
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize