I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize