i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We're too hungover to prance.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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