the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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