I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
