there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
