Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
