does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
