So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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