He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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