Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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