I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
