I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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