Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I supernannyed him into submission
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
