Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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