My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
