I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize