my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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