I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i out mim tonsoeep
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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