He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
A+ Viking dick
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
