I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
