btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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