I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
