apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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