Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
