We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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