Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize