I think i peed on brittanys purse
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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