I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
