Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
