Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
