I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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