I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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