youre lurking in front of me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
