He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
