good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
