Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
