Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How does one acquire holy water?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
