the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize