I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
