Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
