Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do vagina's smell?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
