Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
