I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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