So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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