i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
