You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
